It's Loud in Here

So, I came to this coffee shop, Brew House in town to check out their wi-fi and see if they had electric sockets near any tables. Wi-fi needs a password, but otherwise free and at least a few of the booths along the walls have plug access, including the table I'm sitting at.

Anyway, here I am just minding my own business, drinking a peppermint mocha and in comes some people with guitars and other electric music components. It stated out humbly enough, a couple guitar players/singers warming up quietly and softly, then they began to take turns at the microphone and more people came into the shop.

I work late during the weekdays and am completely ignorant about what happens in my town in the evenings, besides the shootings and yelling in my neighborhood, the local ghetto. There were no posters on the windows of the coffee shop and no one asked for money. So I suppose it's just a local thing where random people can come in and show off their skills. I don't even know anyone's names or if they are a group or anything at all. But they draw a crowd and I suspect this is a weekly event.

And the crowd is kind of noisy.

I didn't really expect a coffee shop to be the local hangout of kids after school or on holiday break, but I guess they have to go somewhere. There are no arcades or dance clubs around here.

The music was nice and there was even a beat box dude near the end of the "show" showing off his wub-wub effects. The guitar players were all acoustic and borderline folk singers, or maybe you could call them modern folk...I don't follow the scene so I'm pretty ignorant about such things.

I like this environment better than Bigby's. I've been there a couple of times, but it's certainly a more corporate atmosphere. Here at the Brew House I get a sense of independence, a place more welcoming of the arts.

It's just past eight thirty in the evening and there is a faint golden hue outside the large windows overlooking the highway that runs by the shop. The Brew House is only open until 9pm and people are starting to leave while a song writer from California is singing his second song. I've just emptied my second peppermint mocha.

I'll come again.

New Blogger Interface Issues.

Wow.

Just tried the new Blogger interface and what an abysmal ride it was. Couldn't edit an older post, couldn't publish the new post on first try, couldn't preview, and when it finally posted the format was nothing like I had wanted. So I had to delete it.

When I tried to go back to the original interface I was given the option to leave feedback so I did...but after I sent it off I received an error message suggesting that my feedback was lost...so I guess they don't get to know what my problems were?

Thankfully I was able to get back to the original interface.

The Madness and the Magic

Bukowski.

He is my personal evidence that there is always something new under the sun if you look. Yeah, he's dead now and plenty of people were aware of him a long time ago. But he's new to me.

I'm reading my second book of poetry by him. Sometimes he can be bore, but other times he completely blows me away.

See, he is familiar to me. I've known a lot of people who have lived like him. Many of his words are my own thoughts.

He writes often of a madness among people. And a certain kind of magic that is waiting to be wielded.

His poetry is full of the madness and the magic.

The madness is defined by how we live our lives in that quiet desperation other poets have written about, it is the trap. The magic is the seizing of the day, the escape. We trap ourselves into lives that slowly kills us, numbs us, sucks everything of worth from our souls. But the magic gives us peace, frees us.

One of Bukowski's observations is that you can't have it all. Sometimes you may have to cut off some limbs. It is painful. We fear the pain, so we stay in the trap.

Safe.

There is a Christian musician who married into a family full of worship. He had children with his beautiful wife. He wrote many hit songs proclaiming the greatness of God.

One day he made a public statement that he was gay. That he had been lying to himself and everyone around him for over thirty years. He was finally ready to live an honest life, to free himself of a great burden.

He is now divorced. I found a website online with a recent song of his, something about how no one can tell him what to do, how to live his life. He seems happy, though his children and ex-wife are likely confused and full of turmoil.

Bukowski would probably congratulate this man and declare loudly, "What took you so long?"

I'm sure that this musician is taking care of his children financially and visits them. I don't know how old they were when he freed himself. But that's a long time to stay in the trap, to dance with the madness. He is free now. It was probably a painful amputation, and he probably tries to scratch where the limb once was. Some people probably hate him for what he put his family through.

But sometimes, it takes sacrifice to set things right.

The madness and the magic, live happy or die miserable.

Changing Seasons

You can feel it in the air...something is different, something has changed.

Yesterday I had some sniffles and a scratchy throat, I thought I was sick. But today I'm fine.

I've turned the air conditioner off the past few nights, only leaving it on for a few hours during the day.

The morning takes longer to brighten and the night is coming more quickly.

First comes the Fall, then the Winter.

Been Awhile

It's been a long time since I posted here. But, honestly that seems to be the suitable intro to most of the posts on this blog.

I've got some personal adventures to share. Lot's of changes (positive ones!) in my life over the past year.

Sleep Apnea
A new house (our first!)
A new baby (or two, depends on how much of myself I've already shared here)
A new job
Writing projects

So much new stuff I haven't shared!

Thanks to Jessica, formerly of the World of Warcraft blog, The Pink Pigtail Inn, for inadvertently inspiring me to dust off this old house!

Self-Loathing

In my life, I have tried not be too proud or arrogant. I really have no reason to be either. However, there appears to be a fine line between humility and self-loathing that I have managed to cross over.

My wife and I recently scheduled an appointment with the Pastor of our church. It is the first time we have done this in several years. He asked if we would like to meet him right away, he had an appointment, but he could post-pone it for us. I said no. We wound up scheduling the meeting for the following week.

When the phone was hung up, my wife asked if I was sure we shouldn't meet him sooner (we had some personal issues that needed to be addressed quickly) and I said that he was certainly willing to put off his plans and drop everything for us, but I didn't feel I was important enough for that kind of attention.

My wife looked deeply into my eyes and said, "You ARE that important and I wish you could see that."

This is potentially my greatest struggle. Do I have the right to stand up and declare that I am important enough to warrant special attention from anybody? I confess that I have begun to believe that doing so might be better than believing that I am worthless. My self-loathing could be the greatest threat to my family that we will ever face.

Am I up to the task to change this?

Am I man enough to demand respect?

I just don't know...